I realize my voice mail is full. I know I can’t receive any new messages. Left it clogged up on purpose because I am just.too.tired.to.respond.
A recent diagnosis of RSD (or RSDS : reflex sympathetic dystrophy syndrome) following a riding injury + surgery created the downward spiral. RSD is nasty. I didn’t even want to hyperlink it. But then it felt like hiding. And I’m not hiding. I’m just tired.
I’m unable to do basic stuff like make my bed in the morning or use a hair dryer. This makes me tired. Unable to unscrew the peanut butter lid or pull open a zip lock bag. More tired. The list goes on and on. New discoveries every day. But mostly, I am tired of asking for help. And I am tired of crying every morning. But my right hand doesn’t work and my nerves are on fire. My body is post-traumatic.
TIRED & WEAK
TIRED has reminded me I am WEAK. In so many ways. Weak because I’m human with a body sewn up in a careful, complex way that is sensitive to injury. Weak because my body, mind and spirit all all interlinked. When one is wounded, the others falter.
But WEAK is presenting an opportunity. It’s a risky opportunity. Not an opportunity I want. At all. It feels like someone is offering to let me jump out of a plane with a parachute strapped to my back. And that is a ‘no thank you’ opportunity in my book.
I’d rather be offered a miraculous recovery opportunity. A spontaneous healing opportunity. A quick prayer and then back to riding and cooking and meeting friends for happy hour kind of opportunity.
But WEAK just stands waiting for me to take his hand.
So I have two choices: I either take his WEAK’s hand or let the sadness drag me away.
I know I need more of God. But getting more God through weakness is the dark, agonizing kind of closeness. It’s solitary. Scary. Not at all celebratory. And accepting pain as His choice for me creates anxiety. I worry I will not be able to stand up to it. That I’ll never answer my phone again.
But I need God. Now more than ever.
I need God to be able to smile again. To wake up and wonder with joy at this beautiful world He made. To love and appreciate my children. And my husband. The man who dropped everything and left Colorado last week to drive home all night in the pouring rain because he ‘didn’t like the way I sounded on the phone.’
I need God to help me see with clarity that even in the middle of TIRED, there are tiny blessings. And sitting with WEAK every morning might actually be the kindest gift He could give me.
For WEAK needs strength. And strength is GOD. So in my weakness, I seek Him deeply. Breath to breath. In a ‘if you don’t hold me together I will surely fall apart’ sort of way.
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
So I am here to ‘boast in my weakness’ … bring it into the light. Because I need God’s strength to rest, reside, overshadow ~ literally ‘tabernacle over me.’
Maybe you need Him too?
Will you take a step forward?
… I’ll be waiting there in His shelter for you.